Friday, 26 February 2010

How Low Can You Go?

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. I have put everything into the interview for the wildlife job. I didn't expect to get the interview, and not surprisingly I didn't get the job either.

Yesterday was hell. I was stressed out to the max to the point where I felt physically sick. I was grilled and roasted by the interview panel and I knew I hadn't done well. They knew I was nervous and they also knew I didn't know all the answers. I fluffed it. Afterwards I felt hugely deflated and had a type of shock reaction.

Consequently, when I did finally sleep last night, I managed to oversleep this morning. So it was a rush to get the kids to school. Then, I went for a walk with the dog. Four beautiful, grey deer trotted across the path, followed by the dog. Pal actually came when I whistled - for about ten seconds - then raced off after the deer and disappeared.

I waited an hour, then gave my phone number to the Visitor's Centre and came home. It's been over three hours and they have only just called. Naturally, I had to have the requisite "irresponsible owner" lecture, which would have been OK if I hadn't just had the call telling me I didn't get the wildlife job.

So, now, I'm about at the lowest I have been for about a year. I am crushed, with no self confidence. I am shaking with cold. My dog runs away and my cat pees in the house. I have no money. I've had no heating for a month during the coldest, snowiest winter I can remember. And there's more snow forecast.

I don't even know what to do with myself for the rest of eternity. I don't want to teach. Classroom teaching makes me ill and will contribute to my early demise. I just missed out on the best wildlife job for me, meaning I would have less chance of getting any other post in the same field. Writing is fun, but so far no-one has accepted my contributions and I have no illusions about how hard that is to break into.

So, what does that leave me with? I really don't know. I have doubts that I could even get a waitressing job at the moment. Who's going to employ someone they don't think will stay? I feel broken right now.


  1. Ah! I wish I could give you a get big bear hug right now. Although we have not actually met, you and your family are often on my mind. I have followed your struggle, as you have mine. Life seems like it just won't give a break to some of us.

    I have been flip flopping all over the place as to what I want to do for work. The hardest part for me, I think, is as you say. I don't have the confidence in myself as I once did. I don't feel like I have a place out there. I don't want to just work for money. I want to be happy, be challenged, and feel fullfilled at the end of the day. I want to know that my time spent away from my family is well spent.

    We have had our phones shut off, our utilites (almost) shut off, and have not had gas money. It is hard living this way, when life seemed so easy just 2 short years ago. Alas, you have to roll with the punches. We have had some help from our church is the only reason we have our utilites. Funny thing is, I have 5 rich older brothers who could really don't care to "get involved". Not that I would accept their help at this point anyway.

    Please know that I care. I dont always comment, because I like to check blogs before I turn off the lights in bed, on my cell phone, and can't type well on that little thing. I have suffered with depression on and off in my life, and it seems the dark cloud is determined to hang low around my head. So, if misery loves company, shall we go arm and arm?

  2. Bear hug accepted gratefully! I'm feeling better today. I have a lot of resilience, thankfully, to get up after knock backs. It did come to something yesterday when even the dog was shivering in the hall! I had pinned my hopes on this job being the route out of the suffering. It wasn't to be. I'll get over it.

    I'm just trying to keep things going as long as possible - kids swimming lessons, Cubs, Brownies, school trips, weekend walking, orchestra. It won't be much fun when it all has to go.

    You know the bad times won't last forever. You and me both. Even depression (and I know where you are coming from on this one!) goes away eventually. It's just hard to live through the time in between.

    Meanwhile, I shall pick up another scheme or plan and run with that for a while. Let's soldier onwards, shall we?



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